It's Time

BIG changes are coming to a barn near you...well, near me. Actually, my barn, specifically.

It's time for Stella to get back to having a job. And it's time for me to (wo)man up and start getting this mare on the right path.

There's been a lot of hemming and hawing the last year or so. She has a job, she doesn't have a job, she gets worked for a bit, things go downhill...it's been all a lot of hearsay when I looked back on it. How many times did I say I needed to make a change? How many times did I say we were trying something new, different, blahblahblah...well, this time I'm not messing around.

All of this has been about me, and it's taken a lot of intestinal fortitude to admit that I had NO IDEA what I was doing. I brought Stella as far as I could with what I knew, but she got there fast and then we stalled, HARD. What do you do with a horse once the groundwork is established, the saddle is on, the bit is in and you are on their back? When they know how to walk, trot and canter? When the basics are installed? You start asking all the things I don't know how to ask. That's where the trouble started. I waded into waters that were too deep for me, and I sunk fast. Unfortunately, I took Stella down with me, bringing us to now.

This really, oddly enough, has less to do with the "holes" in my horsemanship, and way more to do with me as a person. I've been through a lot in the last 14 months of my life. I've been severely depressed, been in counseling, been on meds, been very lost, scared and anxious about where I was in life, who I was, what had happened to me in my younger years. I felt like I was floundering: I had support but I found ways to subconsciously sabotage their efforts to help me. I was so utterly unhappy, but I was OK staying that way because it was familiar and comfortable, in its own insidious way. I kept trying to rebound, but things happen on their own good time, and this wasn't something I could push along and make happen faster.

So here I am. It seems like it's been forever since I've been on the back of a horse, and it has. I haven't ridden Stella in over a year. I haven't done anything truly meaningful with her in almost as long. I haven't known how, and I've been too far down in my own life to really be there for her.

I'm FINALLY there. I'm at the point where I have brought in help. I'm at the point where I WANT my mare back. I want to be somewhere good, somewhere that works. It doesn't have to be perfect or even pretty, but I want to get her confidence back, along with mine.

Sunday at 11:00AM I am meeting with K, a classical dressage trainer who has worked with some very well respected classic masters in Florida, Spain and Brazil. She specializes in young, hot horses (YES, because guess what I have...) and works on the premise of patience, trust and correctness of mind and body. Her first and primary concern is the well-being of the horse. We've talked through email, and she is everything I have been looking for to help Stella and I on this journey. We will start with Stella on the ground for as long as it takes to get her focus, trust and confidence up, and then we'll get me back in the saddle.

I'm so excited, but also a little scared. I've been at this "starting line" before and it's been frustrating as all hell. I think the difference is this time I'm ready. Truly, honestly ready. I've been looking in the mirror for a long time and acknowledged that this is all me; I've owned that, and I'm ready to give Stella the opportunity she needs to get okay.

More to come.