The bad news is I haven't formally "worked" with Stella once in almost 3 weeks. I haven't been able to bring myself to. She's clearly lacking respect and interest in what I ask, and I don't want to get hurt (I want to make it clear that in no way is this horse "dangerous"...I've had that discussion with someone who thought they knew what was going on already. This mare is very green, very young and very insecure. She has never attempted to hurt me, but she has given me definitive signs that she is NOT okay. Well, neither am I, so who can blame her...)
The good news is, everything happens for a reason.
I have, on my calendar, a 1.5 hour session with a certified EFMH specialist next Friday. EFMH stands for Equine Facilitated Mental Health; it's what most of us have horses for to begin with. There really is something good about the inside of a horse that does wonders for people.
This woman came on spoke in one of my classes last week and what she had to say really hit me. She described the exact path that I wanted to move towards: taking advantage of that wonderful honesty horses give us and using it to educate people about themselves (only I would be applying it for my own purposes...) She acts as the liason between the horse and the rider/client, helping them get to a place where they are centered and calm and then helping facilitate the relationship between the horse and rider, translating the horse's efforts to communicate to them. In a nutshell, she helps people foster a better relationship with their animals.
About two weeks ago I walked down to Ernie's grave and sat in the snow for a while. The sun was out and the birds were chirping and there I sat, eyes closed. I prayed for one of the first times in my life. I asked him for help: that horse, whether I knew it or not, knew me better than any being on this planet, and I think he still does. There's been things happening with the horse who is now in his stall that make me wonder about his presence...the behaviors are so exactly the same. I know there was a bond between us, and so I asked him to help me help Stella, to show me what it is I need, the tool I was missing the many years I had him.
Fast forward to last Friday. I'd already seen this woman present this amazing discussion to us, something I knew was going to help me immensely connect to myself and thus connect to my mare. I had planned on emailing her that weekend. I had a job interview about 45 minutes north of the college and as I was driving along a state highway, a barn on a hillside came into view on my right. A big, clean, white banned hung across the barn's side. It was the speaker's facility, the one she had described to us in the presentation, where she kept her therapy horses and facilitated so many sessions. I about cried: I think Ernie heard me. I emailed her as soon as I got back to my apartment.
I didn't used to believe things happened for a reason. After emailed back and forth with this woman, I feel unsure but ready. Stella is in my life for a very specific purpose, and I think she knew it long before I did. Ernie started me on this path. He made me a gentler, more understanding horse person, and he left me when he knew I was in good hands (hooves, I suppose). These two horses have done so much for me already, and I owe a lot of what I have learned to them.
I sat out on my boyfriend's porch earlier tonight by myself, drinking a cold beer and watching the sun set. The emotion that came over me was overwhelming: somehow I just knew Ernie was there with me. I raised my bottle to him (corny, perhaps...), smiled and felt my eyes well up. God, I miss that old boy.
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