I don't want to do it. But an occurrence earlier this week essentially made the decision for me.
I would like to preface all this by saying Ernie has never had a mean bone in his body. The nasty faces, the crankiness, it's all very normal and nothing bad has ever come of it. The bone he does have is an extreme need to self-preserve. I have never seen it more ingrained in a horse than it is in him.
I went to put both horses out a few days ago: it was sunny and the grass is getting very green and I wanted them to get some time outside to run and graze. I put Stella's halter on first: Ernie was standing outside in his paddock, so I called to him as I got her ready. When I had last looked up, he was facing the barn but still standing outside. I fiddled more with Stella's halter and flymask, my back turned to his mostly open stall door.
I teach my horses to stand and wait in their stall doorways until I cue them to come out. Stella had a minor forgetful moment and stuck a foot out of the doorway. I turned my back on Ernie's stall to correct her, and out of the corner of my eye saw Ernie gallop into the stall. I hadn't even turned around fully before I saw him snake his neck out, ears pinned, and sink his teeth into the small of my back.
Luckily he didn't get much. I reacted pretty quickly: my hand met the side of his muzzle almost as soon as he let go. I hit him so hard it stung my palm. Ernie recoiled instantly, but instead of running away or charging again, he backed up and stood there, head down by his knees, immediately apologetic, licking and chewing. It was eerie, to the point of being supernatural. I've been hurt by this horse ONCE in TEN YEARS, and it was all my fault. He was in a pasture situation with another horse: I went to feed breakfast grain, and then walked behind him to feed the other horse. He immediately kicked out and hit me in the butt. He was being protective of his food, and I was stupid enough to move behind him in the presence of his pasture mate. But this, this was pure aggression.
I don't know what brought this on. I have my own ideas, obviously, but I will never know for sure. If Ernie's outside and sees me moving Stella, it's not unusual for him to come trotting or cantering into his stall to see what's happening. I'm just not usually in his stall at that point. Maybe my presence scared him enough to make him feel threatened. Personally, I've wondered about this for a while. I think he's started to see me as competition for Stella, and this act was him letting me know that she belonged to him. Anyone who has been reading this blog for any length of time knows I don't allow ANY type of herd behavior when I'm working with a horse. It's dangerous for both me and them, and the relationship is much nicer if they know their focus needs to be on me. Ernie can be really bad with this. He's tried to herd Stella away from me before if I'm out in the pasture with them for some reason (though this has been rare), and although he's never been aggressive to me, I've seen him act aggravated and challenged other horses, even over the fence. He's very easily irritated and can be made to feel threatened with little warning. But this behavior has never been towards me like this.
I knew this was going to be his last summer, it was just a matter of when. I figured if he had a lot more good days than bad days, maybe he could get through the summer OK. I wanted him to enjoy being outside in the sun, to get to graze all day long and enjoy rubs and baths (only to roll in the dirt again after, of course)...it seems now, though, that the writing is on the wall. What I was seeing in terms of his slow downhill spiral is very, very real. I hesitate to use the word dangerous: who would want to on a horse they've known most of their lives, who they've had such a good relationship with and have been through so much? The fact is, he's become a little too unpredictable. I don't want to get hurt, and this is obviously not a healthy situation for him either. I don't want his behavior towards Stella to escalate and start causing injuries and stress on her. I don't like seeing him like this, and it seems the kindest thing I can do is make his last couples week as comfortable as possible, then let him go.
I've cried all weekend. I really do not want to do this. I wonder if he knows what's going on, and maybe that is triggering his extreme need to self-protect. I'll never know, at least not for sure, all I do know is this is not the horse I know and love.
I'll be making a call to my vet this week. I'd like to get through exams and moved into my new apartment first, but I don't know how much longer I can sit on this.
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