From now until mid-May is going to be entirely, utterly insane. I have one week left of classes, then a week of exams. I'm actually not worried about any of that. However, I am preparing to move into an apartment with two fellow students, taking over an existing lease pretty much as soon as they get the last of their stuff out the door. I have almost nothing packed, I have very little gathered in terms of what I need to live on my own, I haven't had a summer job at the college farm confirmed...basically, the next few weeks of my life are happening completely by the seat of my pants. I put in an application for the Assistant Barn Manager position at the college barn. I have yet to hear back ANY status update on this. It's almost the end of the school year. I am so beyond pissed that my advisor hasn't told us ANYTHING I could blow my head off with the steam that comes out of my ears when I think about it. Yes, I get the hiring process is long, you have to read through resumes and cover letters and applications and spend time making decisions, but WHY DID THIS HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE. If I don't have a job this summer, I NEED TO KNOW. I've been bouncing between jobs every summer for the last 3 years or so, and I do NOT want to be down to the wire and find out I have no income. I always have a job during the school year, but it's not something I want to be doing 40+ hours a week, and at this late in the game it isn't really an option.
As for Ernie, well, he's Ernie. It's been a very rough week for him. It started off as a rough day, and that rough day carried through the whole damn week. I don't know what's wrong with him, but his calmers aren't working anymore, and no amount of grooming and personal time seems to be appeasing him. Thursday afternoon I went out to work Stella, knowing I'd probably end up grooming him, too. While tacking Stella up, Ernie noticed a squirrel in his paddock - for clarification, this is not an unusual occurrence by ANY means) - and FLIPPED out. You could see his heart pounding in his chest and he weaved and flipped his head in his doorway, literally shaking with fear. AT A F*CKING SQUIRREL.
It's just insane, even for him. Ernie's standards of insanity are much higher than most horses, and for the most part, I can deal with them. After all, I have for almost 1o years. But this is too much. He can't seem to get a grasp on any sort of reality. He's constantly afraid of something, most of which would never have bothered him at any point in the past. I go anywhere near his head or make any movement faster than that of a turtle and you'd swear he thinks I'm going to beat him. He jerks his head up in fear, rolling his eyes back into his head and continues to be jerky about it until I grasp his halter and gently nod his head down. I do not EVER hit this horse's head. I've smacked his butt more than a few times for various reasons, but I do not hit muzzles or heads unless biting has been attempted, and both my horses know better than that.
What's going on, I have no idea. I had a mini-breakdown with my parents this weekend because I really don't want to put him down (really, I don't) but the idea is more and more appealing the worse he gets. He's unhappy, which is making me unhappy, and I don't know what else to do for him. As it is, I'm going broke for this horse (like I ever had money to begin with...HA) and it's still not enough.
Honestly, he needs a quiet way out. This horse is not long for retirement. At this point, he's not long for much of anything. I feel terribly every time I go to the barn. He's not the same animal he was when I got him. Were he human, the way he's behaving would be equivalent to that of someone with dementia.
My dad thinks he'd benefit from a joint or two. Maybe a whole goddamn bowl. I don't smoke anything, especially pot, and all of this was said in jest, but at this point why the hell not. I've never heard of any study being done on the effects of marijuana in horses, but Calm N' Cool isn't working anymore, so we've got to move to Plan B. Not sure what that is yet, but I have to think of something if I want a shred of sanity for this summer...
There is waaaay too much to think about when considering whether or not to say goodbye; quality of life, cost, emotional issues, etc. I don't think any of these things will help you.
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what you think is best and if you get lost, do what he would want you to do.