Gloom

I guess I don't have much to say, or really know what to say. I called my vet yesterday, hoping he wouldn't pick up so I could leave a message. I got my wish, but when he called back I couldn't bear to pick up the phone. I didn't really want to discuss putting Ernie down...

This morning I went out to do chores: the semester is winding down, I'm getting ready to move into my first apartment, and I'm juggling five million other things. Ernie was very antsy, more than usual. He was looking around when I had him on the cross-ties as though something was going to jump out and get him. He was crazy head shy, and I just felt myself melt away with the tears streaming down my face.

When I put him back with clean bedding and hay, he still circle, obviously agitated. I walked up to him as he hung his head over the partition. He looked a little leery, but I went to scratch under his chin and jaw and he melted. I stood there for about a minute rubbing him gently: he settled, his eyelids drooped, and he let out a sigh before lifting his head and tending to his hay. I started bawling right there.

I've been talking about this for months...why is it now just hitting me? I need to figure out what do with him after he's euthanized: I don't really have a place to bury him, but cremation is really expensive and not easy to get around here. I don't even have a date yet. I just know it's going to be soon...

All in all, the rain and gloom is an excellent representation of my mood right now.