A lot of it is Ernie. He's been better the past few days, which is not surprising, since he goes from extreme to extreme pretty fluidly. I'm managing dealing with all of this more or less OK, though I haven't set a date, prepared for the burial, etc. I've decided against cremation, just because I can't find any in the area who will do large animals, and the rates I did find were astronomical. I simply can't afford it. I really wanted to be able to, because then I could spread his ashes everywhere; he would want that, as he's still so active and hates to be stuck in one place for too long.
Obviously I've been thinking of this in a symbolic way, not just in terms of the logistics. Of all the horses that will come into my life, he will, no doubt, be the hardest one to say goodbye to. I'm still so conflicted. If I had the money to give him everything he needs and keep him, I would do it in a heartbeat, and I'm willing to bet he'd live another 10 years. He's that kind of horse.
But I don't. Part of my problem is I have a young, athletic horse who needs to start having money and time invested into her in order to really get her going. I'm stalled because I'm still trying to keep an older horse who cannot be ridden and has needs that far exceed my financial and logistical capabilities.
To be honest, I haven't though any more about the aggression incident a week or so ago. Knowing this horse like I do, I think it was a fluke. That may be a rather bold and/or naive statement, but I myself can be bold and/or naive. I don't think he's lost his mind quite yet, but I do think he's showing signs of extreme insecurity. Why? Because lately I'M insecure all the time. I was reading The Tao of Equus over the weekend while dogsitting, and I have to say it made Ernie's actions and behaviors make a lot of sense. It's a GREAT book, I recommend it to ANYONE who wants to have anything to do with horses. In a nutshell, it follows the journey of a woman in her owns transformations as well as those of the people and horses she works with. One of her main concepts is that horses use emotions as a tool, nothing inherently good or bad: they don't judge emotions, but they do expect emotional honesty. The vast majority of basic rider and behavioral problems, according to this book, are because of emotional incongruency on the part of the person, basically when you feel wrecked and torn, angry, frustrated, etc on the inside but put on a happy face anyway. The horse knows the difference, sees two conflicted sides, and thus finds it aggravating and worrisome because it doesn't make sense. It's all part of the wonderful honesty of horses: there are no games, just pure, honest emotion. They expect the same from us, and when they feel incongruency, they get nervous because to them it's a red flag. I think this is what is happening with Ernie. Rarely in the last few weeks have I come to the barn truly happy and feeling good, and he knows. Stella knows, too: she's been a lot more off the wall and flighty lately. But Ernie's picked up on it and taken it a whole other level, something he's always done. All of his anxiety mirrors mine perfectly.
What's even more interesting? The one time I've showed how much I was struggling internally, a few days ago, I broke down crying while rubbing his face. My inside matched my outside. It was the calmest I've seen him in a long time.
I'm slowly coming to terms with everything; it's really hard, but it's ultimately for the better, even if that better seems a long way off right now.
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