What Goes Up

...must eventually come down. This is how I've been thinking of Ernie's progress as. He hit a peak a few years ago, and ever since then it's been a constant up and down game. He'll go great for a few months, get a little time off and then need months of rehab to come back, none of which he acts very happy about until he gets fit enough to have it not really be terribly difficult work. Or he'll have a spell of bad days which turns into bad weeks which turns into a bad month and I have to revisit my unhappy place and wonder what I'm doing wrong.



I've decided it's just not worth it anymore. Yes, this means that day has finally come, one I thought I'd never see: Ernie is officially retired.



I don't really know how I feel about it. Throughout the last 3 years I've been on and off him so much, so busy with school and working and trying to figure out what I'm doing and where I'm headed, I haven't been able to keep him up constantly. This has really killed him, I think. At his age, coming back from even a couple weeks without work is 10x harder than it would be for, say, Stella. I just can't do it to him anymore: his attitude, his physical health, his emotional stability, everything hinges on having a schedule, knowing he has a place, knowing what his job is. For a long time I wasn't able to give him that, and I feel so terrible about it. Such is life, and over the last few weeks I knew what had to be done. I just wanted to hold onto the notion that he could go back to work for just a little bit longer.



On the bright side, Ernie seems to be handling things OK. He's been out of work for 2 weeks now and enjoying lots of food and grooming and the occassional handwalk through the snow. He doesn't seem to be getting hot or restless, which is surprising but good. I've pulled him off the calmers (the only reason he was on them was to make it easier to work with him under saddle), he's still on a joint supplement for the arthritis but otherwise he's come off everything I had him on to keep him stable and is now enjoying lots and lots of hay, 3 meals a day and all the pampering I can give him. He's become my massage practice horse, enjoying 2 or 3 massages a week (something he's actually gotten quite accustomed to very quickly), and while he's pretty much lost all his muscling already, he doesn't seem to be worse for the wear.

Sometimes I see him and I get the urge to cry. I have no idea why, but I almost feel like this is another step towards the end of his life. You go through specific phases with any horse you own, and if you ever have one around long enough to face full retirement with them, it can be almost as challenging as facing the idea of ending their life altogether. Ernie deserves the happiest retirement I can give him, but the idea of having worked so hard together through SO many trials and tribulations only to say "see ya" and send him off to pasture seems awful to me.

Obviously no, I'm not just chucking him out to pasture. He'll still get the same care he's used to, but it's still not the same to me. I suppose part of it is the fact that I'm still young, still somewhat naive, both as a rider and person in general, and I have a lot more learning to do. I have to remember that to him, this is a well-earned rest. It doesn't mean anything except he's done his job the best he can for a long time and now he's earned the rest of his life in peace.

I've found having another horse has made this transition easier, because I have a really exciting riding prospect in Stella. She progresses more and more every day and I love watching her grow. That's probably been my one solace in all of this.