Untitled

This post is untitled because, to be honest, I can't think of a title to describe how I feel right now. I have a decision weighing on my chest, and I feel as though I'm being crushed. It's been in the back of my mind for a long time, but only in the past couple weeks has it been resurfacing as something I may have to face very soon.

I may have to make the decision to have Ernie humanely euthanized.

I can't look at those words without crying. They don't seem real to me. This is the horse you can't beat down, can't stop, can't kill with dynamite.

But the reality is he's old. Really old. Older than most horses live to see. He's had a long life: it hasn't always been good, but I hope I've provided him with what he feels is a good life the last 10 years or so.

I've been noticing him slowly go downhill the past few months: even into the summer, he just didn't have the spark he's always had. He's been tired, lethargic, constantly needed vet attention for this and that. Recently he's starting going off his grain (something he NEVER does...he loves food far too much), leaving more and more hay...most of the time, he just stands in the doorway of his stall, stiff as a board. It's like he doesn't even notice what's going on around him. The lights are on, but nobody's home.

The vet is coming out on Thursday to check him out. I suspect there may be teeth issues, possibly some problems with his TMJ. I know he's in pain; I just don't know how long I want to let him deal with it. He's dealt with pain his entire life: I don't know if there's been a lengthy period of time when he HASN'T been in pain. I've tried to minimize it as best I can, but damage from years of improper care takes an equal number of years to undo, if it's even possible to undo it.

I don't know what's going to happen. I've been crying on an off for three days: some moments I feel OK, and some I feel like I know what's coming, and there's nothing I can do besides make him as comfortable as possible.

My vet will have a better idea of what's going on. I'll have to find a way to keep my mind busy until then.