Ho Hum.

I got on Ernie for the first time in probably 3 weeks yesterday. It wasn't anything spectacular, if anything it made me aware that he's due for chiropractic work. The odd head jerking that appeared at the beginning of the school year when his hips were so out of whack occurred yesterday, too. However I haven't seen it on the ground...I'm not sure if that means anything. It was only tracking left, which is usually the harder side for him. He wasn't very forward, didn't particularly care to connect to the bit at all, and really just didn't seem all that enthused period.

I don't blame him. Usually he's much more forward when it's been a while since his last ride, but yesterday he just kinda slogged around.

I still can't shake this utterly shitty feeling. I feel as though I'm letting both of my horses down. I took on the responsibility of two animals knowing it would be hard, and I'm OK with that. What's killing me right now is the financial aspect. I cannot sell Ernie; I couldn't even get rid of him if I wanted to. The horse has no market value (emotional connections don't translate to dollars, unfortunately) and he'd be too expensive to be just someone's companion/pasture potato. And I made the promise to him years ago that I would never, ever sell him. He's stuck with me until the day he dies, and I will not go back on that. I bought Stella BECAUSE Ernie's stuck with me. It wasn't fair to continue to demand the level of work from him that I wanted/needed, so I needed to move onto to something new. An unbroke 3 year old probably wasn't the greatest choice, but it's turned out to be a fantastic bond and money can't buy that.

This summer's lack of a real job killed me, so I didn't make hardly anything. It was enough to keep my head above water before school started but it didn't leave me anything to work with once I got here. I'm working at the school's fitness center as a front desk attendent, which I've done the past few years anyway, but it's less than 10 hours a week because of my schedule and doesn't pay that great. Between that and odd jobs, I've been able to scrape together enough for the bare essentials: board (which my parents had had to help me with), grain and bedding. I haven't been able to take care of the outstanding vet bills I've had, including the one from this summer (shots, teeth and Stella's injury). I can see Ernie is starting to become due for a float again, and now with the chiropractic work it's going to be at least another $200 vet bill...

I've largely gone without anything I've really needed, or made due with what I have. I've gotten good at becoming a very thrifty spender. I looked at my checkbook the other day and realized I hadn't had any changes in my bank account in weeks. I try and do everything I can through cash. I'd love to buy a dressage bridle and aurigan french link snaffle for Stella, but I've made out well with the old Corbette hunter bridle and plastic Happy Mouth single joint snaffle I have. It'd be nice to have a better stable blanket for Ernie, but I've figured out ways to maneuver the blanket situation when it gets soaked. Even something as small as a tailbag for Stella so it stops getting so damn dirty. Right now Vetwrap and braiding have been working just fine. If being a broke college kid has taught me nothing else, it's how to appreciate what I do have and how to make the best of it.

(This, however, doesn't change the fact that I'd like to have more wiggle room. But hey, I'm not sunk yet!)

Stuff like all the above I can deal with. It's when I have to pick and choose other aspects of care that it bothers me. For example, I know my saddle doesn't fit Ernie the best it could. It used to be near perfect, but his back has changed, lost muscle, etc. I've been compensating with padding/lifting the appropriate areas, but it still isn't great. I'd love to have a saddle fitter come out and fit and reflock it, but I just can't afford it right now. I'd like to get x-rays of Stella's front feet so I can track possible navicular changes. She still does that weird foot pointing thing, but has never taken a lame step and isn't tender. I'd also like a work-up done on Ernie: blood panel and endoscopy. I'm sure he has ulcers, but I don't know to what degree. And given his age and issues maintaining weight, I'd like him checked for metabolic disorders. Right now, I can't afford to do any of that.

Ugh. What I would give to win the lottery.