10 days

It's been 10 days since my last post, but it's been 10 amazing, inspiring, tear-filled, heart-wrenching, grin-laden, wonderful days.

Change is slow, probably because it's so darn hard. When you talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk, right?

Here's what's happen, in a nutshell, over the past week and a half:

1. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I should not continue to work with Stella by myself, or do anything with her. I was told I HAVE to go seek professional help, that I am not able to read her, and that I am not capable, at this point, of "fixing things". How's that for a slap in the face...this was hard, and I'm not sure I totally agree with everything this woman had to say, but I still respect her opinion and her knowledge tremendously. Let's just put it this way: if I had a couple grand to go spend on a plane ticket for me and my horse and 2 weeks of private training with someone like Harry Whitney or Josh Nichol, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But all you "normal" horsepeople out there know we are BROKE because we have horses, not RICH. So, my ultimate decision was to seek help, but in my own way with what I have available to me.
2. I met with one of my professors, who is close to 30 and a truly amazing women and horseperson. She too, is in the same spot I am: making changes to her style of horsemanship, learning all she can, moving away from the showing world and getting more into what she loves and wants to do. We talked for over an hour, I explained to her where I was, the details from #1 on this list, and she gave me some FANTASTIC insight, ideas and a path to try. I breathed a huge sigh of relief after that meeting.
3. I decided to do something for myself. It needed to happen, it should have happened a long time ago, and with my SO's urging I made and went to an appointment with a recommended hypnotherapist. No, it isn't hypnosis like we typically think of: it's tapping into the subconscious via the power of suggestion and guided deep relaxation. The goal is to ask the mind to help solve current issues by tapping into places in our brains most of us rarely visit in our lifetimes. I needed this so, so badly, and when we finished the session I couldn't stop smiling. I felt relaxed, clear, almost on a high, like someone had cleaned out a garage in my head. I could feel the energy pulsing through my body...it was one of the single coolest feelings I've ever had in my life.
4. #3 was the perfect starting point to begin anew, again. I had a long discussion with my SO, who was so happy I went to see this woman he almost didn't believe it happened. I made him cry on Valentine's Day, something that was both very cleansing and very intimate for both of us.
5. I asked for help with Stella. I've been watching her, observing her the past couple weeks, and taking note of her movements, her attempts to communicate, and what her body says to me and other horses. I arranged for another professor, who teachers the training classes, to round pen her while I watched: we discussed what she saw and what she did in response to Stella. The results were more than I've seen at any point with this mare: yes, she was full of bucks and energy and wanted to runrunrunrunrun and ignore anyone around her, protesting when her focus was called for, but in the end she began to relax, stopped and turned to focus on N, my professor, followed her movements, and when N finally walked away, she hesitated slightly but then followed her to the gate.
6. I've now worked with Stella the last two days on my own. The results have already started to build on themselves. The biggest challenge, but the most important aspect of all of this, is to remain emotionally separated. This is my horse, but I must not treat her any differently than I would any other horse I work with. By doing this, I take pressure off myself (after all, it's just another horse, right?) and pressure off Stella (no human ego or emotions to deal with...just honest communication). The results have been fantastic. In just two days I'm starting to see a change in her response to me: her level of relaxation at the end of the session is growing greater, the time in which in takes her to fully focus on me is getting smaller, and the period of time during which she can "hold me in her regard" (AKA focus on me and only me) in getting longer. Today, after I was satisfied with what we'd accomplished, I walked to the gate to get her halter. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her lower her head and hesitate, and then meander over towards me, stopping at the halfway point. Big deal right there.

In the grand scheme of the things, this isn't all that much and yet it's everything. I've begun to fully realize how handicapping depression and anxiety-related illnesses can be, how they can reach out to affect everything in your life. Nothing is left untouched, and so you become even more depressed. Depression is, in a word, depressing! I never imagined I'd be blogging about something like this, but here I am, and here it is.

I went down to visit Ernie the other day, the day before I went in for my appointment with the hypnotherapist. His grave isn't marked, so there is no way to tell where exactly he is, but I just know. I started talking to him and after a minute the wind suddenly died and everything was quiet. I listened to a lone bird chirp somewhere in the woods, and then even he hushed. I asked him for strength, something I know he had all his life. I began to cry and what felt like a single breeze brushed the hair of my face. Stranger things have happened, but I know he must have heard me, wherever he is.