Square One

So, there's going to be some serious, erm, remodeling, done to how I communicate with horses, how I ride, and how I handle emotions around my horse.

I've mentioned a couple times before that I have been through a LOT in the last 9-12 months. I mean a lot. I won't go into specifics, but it's been a huge struggle to go through some of these transitions, seek help where I need it, talk about being medicated, get scared of being medicated, finally actually go on medication and then finally start to deal with my personal emotional issues. I'm on anti-depressants now, and they seem to be working fairly well...I've only been taking them a month but hopefully it keeps getting better.

What the meds have allowed me to do is start to work through, in therapy, some of the things I've struggled with. Many of these issues can directly relate to horses, and my relationship with Stella which, as of lately, isn't going so well.

She wants to trust me and follow me. She really does. I can see her attempts, her thought process. But I am throwing up huge warning signs with my swings in emotional states, and that to her is a huge red flag. Thus, working together has been nearly impossible. Good rides don't exist anymore, even groundwork is hugely challenging and culminated today with aggression from her that I have never seen before, and instinctive reactions from me that needs to stop.

Basically, I need help. I need to help myself to help my horse. If I fix me, and deal with me, everything with her will work itself out.

I'm meeting with my usual trainer L tomorrow for some one-on-one chat time. She's a lot like me personality-wise and just knows a lot all around. I'm traveling with her to her lesson with her mare tomorrow afternoon, just for the heck of it, and we'll have some time to chat and, as she put it, "I'll have her all ears". I'm hoping talking to someone who has been through their 20's and survived will help, since I'm guessing she has been where I am now...

Fingers crossed, people...fingers crossed.