In a nutshell: Ernie is not happy. Not even close. He doesn't like his new role as King Pasture Potato. He hates not having a job every day. He hates that the only thing we do is groom because there's no grass to handgraze on. He's jealous that I play with Stella everyday and freaks out whenever I take her from the barn (when he was in work, he'd certainly notice, maybe throw out a whinny or two, but that was it...now he runs, screams, gallops around his paddock and does sliding stops into his stall at full speed). In a nutshell, I don't know what to do.
The more I think about, and the more I toss around the idea, the more humane euthanasia comes to mind. I promised myself I'd never keep a suffering horse in this world. Ernie is suffering, in one form or another. He's emotionally a wreck (yes, I know, what else is new) but this is far and beyond what is normal for him. He can't handle not having a steady routine, and the fact that I can't even turn him out to pasture right now (because, um, we have 3 feet of snow and it's the dead of winter) kills me. I hate seeing him this upset, I cry almost every time I'm at the barn, and I can feel myself becoming really conflicted: I love this horse, but I feel like at this point he's not long for this world.
I've formulated over a lengthy period of time a plan in my head, one I've discussed with a few people, including my vet. I'll see him through this winter, get him into spring healthy and in good weight, clean him up and let him enjoy summer at pasture with all the treats and grazing and grooming he'll take. Then, some nice, warm summer day when I feel the time is right, my vet will get a call and I'll be there to see him off. I know he won't go easy; he's always been a fighter with a overly-strong sense of self-preservation, and he's very smart when it comes to picking up on emotions. I won't be able to get away with anything, though I never have.
That's what I've been plotting in my mind. Honestly, with the way he is now, I could have made the decision to let him go sooner but the ground is frozen hard and I want him to go when he's happy and it's warm and he's had a good day.
Maybe I'm just a pessimist. I like to think of myself as realistic: it's why I've watched horses be put down, knowing at some point in my life I'd have to make that decision. It's why I've researched my options, kept on the look-out for signs of declining health, and told myself over and over that I will never keep a horse around that is suffering. Ernie is suffering, even with the best care I can provide.
I feel like I'm whining. I honestly feel like sometimes nobody could understand what it's really like to own this horse unless they actually owned this horse. He really is every bit as difficult as I've painted him to be; I don't say that with spite, nor is it to be taken as "MY horse is more difficult than YOUR horse, therefore I MUST be a better/more patient/more caring owner"...if anything, it's made me crazier, but it's also taught me extreme understanding. I love this horse, no matter how much I bitch and moan and whine about how irritating it can be to deal with him. It's like dealing with a child sometimes: no matter how much you love them, sometimes you just want to tear your hair out and scream until your voice goes hoarse.
I will keep updating his condition; right now he's in the process of gaining some lost winter weight back, and I've already started sort-of shedding him out. That Cushing's coat takes forever to go, it seems endless...
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