All Things That Could Possibly Cause Guilt

I love my horses. I really do. I love taking care of them more than anything. I've often said I wouldn't ride another day in my life if I could guarantee that my horse's would the best of everything and NEVER go without.

Well, to be honest, I feel like a really jerk right now. No, I feel worse than a real jerk.

Ernie and I go way back. Those of you who have followed this blog know that this horse is very special to me. He is very much the horse soul mate that I really don't deserve: I'm not patient enough, I'm not experienced enough, I'm a Type-A personality (which means I want perfection, and I tend to ride reactively, although this is getting better). I know he ALWAYS has a reason for acting dumb, nasty, scared, anxious, whatever. ALWAYS. He doesn't do anything to be a jerk. He ISN'T a jerk. He really actually doesn't have a truly mean bone in his body. What he is is the product of years and years of some sort of abuse, mistreatment, lack of care, and generally poor handling. I can't prove Ernie has abuse in this past, but based on how he acts in certain situations, I KNOW something has happened to him.

For instance, if you EVER make the mistake of hitting him in the head, even if it's an unintentional bump, he WILL NOT lower his head again or trust you near it until he totally calms down. He's incredibly overly-sensitive to any quick motions around his head. He's not headshy, so to speak, but he will watch you when you work around his head.

And when I say mishandled, I mean his serious anxiety issues. This horse is off his ROCKER with anxiety. ANYTHING changes, he panics. He needs constant soothing, constant talking to, constant reassuring that nothing bad will happen to him. I think he's changed hands too many times and dealt with too many people who were gonna make him do what they wanted, even if he was miserable. Whenever he weaves, it's for one of three reasons:
A) he's upset/scared
B) he's thinks he's alone (a huge fear of his)
C) he is wanting attention

The first one I try to avoid at all costs. I saw this side of him when he was stabled in my hometown my freshman year. He HATED that place. He wove all day long is he was stalled; he was chased by a bully Paint horse out in the pasture, and he was so miserable and beat up every time I saw him I cried multiple occasions. I believe this is the reason he ran away from that barn and went missing for over 20 hours.

The second one I also try to avoid. Ernie is incredibly herd-bound. I have come across one horse in my many years of owning him that he could not stand. Every other horse he will eventually buddy up with, more or less. Some he likes more than others. Some he just tolerates. Some he becomes obsessed with. He loves Stella. You'd think the world was ending when they're separated. She's more or less OK with it (I think the constant herding and following on his part irritates her). He flips shit. I can't always prevent this; I need to work both of them. He has no problem being taken away from her if it's to go work with me. Try to opposite, and if there isn't another horse nearby, get ready for a shitshow. I try and avoid creating panic if I can; there's another horse stabled next to him he can see and is friendly with, and usually does OK with that when Stella needs to go to work.

The third I understand, but I'll be honest, I get very annoyed about more than I should. He did this every once in a long while B.S. (Before Stella), but I think it was because he finally bonded with a human who cared about him. He's very much a one person horse; he wants one person to care for him all the time, ride him, work him, graze him, groom him. Only one. But A.S., he's become much more possessive. I feel bad, because lately I have put more time into Stella. She's younger, she can do more, she's in training, she needs regular work, blah blah blah. Ernie, ideally, needs to be mostly retired. He's not fit for hard work anymore; in fact I've already decided he really will only do walk/trot in terms of arena work. Maybe some light lateral work. Nothing more. The canter is too hard for him at this point. I want to throw in more trail riding/road hacks to vary it up and give him something to think about. But I'm not going to push it.

Basically, the past month without work has turned Ernie into a huge pain. He's downright pissy. I KNOW he's in pain. He's made that very clear. I do not, in any way, fault him for that. If anything, it's my fault. He's getting worked on tomorrow, THANK GOD. This horse is totally miserable right now. He's got a head jerking going on now, and it's still freaking me out. His hips are so out that his back, neck and head are out now, too. Tomorrow at noon that will all change. I cannot get to that moment fast enough.

I'm such a guilty mess.